The Religion for All

whether they realise it or not

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What is Raymond?

A brief glance at today's religions will quickly tell you that something is amiss. Despite years of improvement and optimisation through healthy competition and lively debate it is clear that no single religion is in the majority. They are often mutually exclusive too - join one and you're pretty much forbidden from joining the others, despite great similarities between many of them. If you're a fan of a religion the odds of your being in the right are sadly stacked against you.

It's rarely mentioned in polite company but there's also the problem that, under close scrutiny, many of them don't entirely make sense. People often stare at their shoes when asked how the Holy Trinity is supposed to be one person and three people at the same time, two of whom are father and son. A quick change of subject is often the result of asking what Brahman has for breakfast that allows him or them to be everything at once. There may be criticisms of Taoism if anyone ever manages to figure it out, and it's not worth even attempting to address Scientology here. Apparently any seeming lack of reason is not frowned on as one might think but is in fact perfectly acceptable and even expected.

Furthermore many religious people are obliged to obsessively obey and enforce often harsh, restrictive and irrational rules until one or all of said rules prove too inconvenient. This will then necessitate the invention of a slightly different spinoff religion with all the attendant heartache and paperwork, a new religion which usually still demands the same inflexible and dogmatic approach to its regulations. The life of the devout is obviously not an easy one.

A solution is clearly needed, and that solution is

Raymond - the Universal Religion

The Now faith, made with the modern man, woman and thing in mind - for all your religiousity needs look no further! Raymond:

1) Contains all possible beliefs

Zoroastrian? Wiccan? Pastafarian? No matter what your conviction Raymond caters for it! Raymond believes in absolutely everything, including all the things that completely contradict each other. Keep all the benefits of your current religion and get all the new ones too, vastly improving your chances of getting whatever reward you think you're going to get from being religious in the first place!

2) Contains all impossible beliefs

Not sure what you believe? Not religious at all? Stopped reading this some time ago? No matter! Core to the philosophy of Raymond are all beliefs that don't and can't exist, don't make any sense or aren't even beliefs, including the exact opposites of those outlined here!

3) Permits everything

Tired of how restrictive your religion's rules are? No problem, Raymond lets you indulge in any and all of your disgusting whims, no matter how depraved, bestial and unnecessary they are, as long as you remember that Raymond...

4) Forbids everything

Raymond is painfully aware that the warped and evil commandments of ways of life other than yours are beyond the pale. Join Raymond and the followers of these pernicious lies will finally admit what they always knew to be true but cruelly hid from you out of spite and self-loathing - that your judgement is flawless, and their warped ideas of right and wrong will soon receive the public condemnation they richly deserve.

5) Approves of everything

Even when the rules allow, many people worry that permitting themselves even the simplest of pleasures can be somehow self-indulgent or feeble-minded. With Raymond you can rest assured that your harmless little psychotic drug-induced mass gimping frenzies are mere charming foibles. In fact Raymond thinks the world would be a gloomier place without them. However the same does not apply to the demented acts of all the irritating bastards around you, because Raymond...

6) Disapproves of everything

The outrageous moral decay of the pointless morons that constantly harangue you with their worthless ninth-rate opinions and timewasting drivel is beyond even Raymond's more-than-infinite tolerance. Rest assured that all those friends, neighbours and enemies that seem to dedicate their efforts to pointing out what a feckless dimwit you are have not escaped Raymond's gaze. Their punishment will be as painful as it is limitless.1

 
Yes, there is no doubt about it, Raymond is the religion for you. With only a minimum of effort you can and will be appointed to the very highest rank of Raymond's clergy, making you the greatest human that has ever lived or will ever live, an all-powerful god, striding the world like a colossus, with all existence bending to your slightest whim! Absolutely no action at all is required on your part, so don't delay - do nothing today!